I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, and I’m not very happy with myself because of this. The truth is, I’ve been burning both ends of the candle pretty much since this semester began over a month ago, but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. These responsibilities have been far more of blessings than burdens, however this season has definitely been one of much anxiety and…here’s the buzzword everyone…waiting.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m starting to make decisions and place myself in situations that could possible determine the very near future for me. While I still have at least a year until graduation, the ripple affect of events leading up to that point is getting smaller and smaller, the stakes getting bigger and bigger. And it’s scary.
I have never been one to rely on control: my mentality has always been “go with the flow”, and I have never really doubted fate. Much of this is due to my faith — the knowledge that God will provide because He always has. But lately I’ve found myself lacking feeling despite wholeheartedly knowing. I am absolutely confident that whatever happens is whatever is supposed to happen, and I will be joyful regardless. But it scares me how much my emotions outweigh my mind. It seems as though no matter how many times I remind myself of the truth in my faith, I always end up worried.
Luckily, God works in mysterious ways, and the really beautiful thing is He’s ALWAYS working!
My dear friend Kelsey and I were having lunch today when I finally realized WHY God was putting me through this long period of waiting. As I was explaining all the factors that are currently in limbo, Kelsey asked me if this has affected my prayers. I realized that lately I’ve felt extremely convicted to pray regularly. Truthfully, I’ve never been very confident in my praying ability — obviously, I believe in it’s power and know that God’s always listening, but it’s always been a point of struggle for me.
This semester, it seems as though God has provided lots of opportunities for me to develop in prayer. I’ve been able to attend weekly prayer meetings with my fellow Breakaway volunteers, and my church’s college Bible study has provided lots of opportunity for community prayer. But what’s changed the most for me is that I, myself, have found more reasons to talk to God in my daily life. And that has made all the difference.
The thing is, I’ve finally realized that my fate is not really in my hands. I absolutely believe that you have to do everything in your power to make things happen, but the key is to remember exactly what is in your power. You have to give it your all, but in the end, it’s God who provides.
One of my very favorite Bible versus is Psalm 84:11
For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.
God gives you what you need; even if it’s not what you necessarily want. I’m so very blessed to now see just why I’m being put through this long season of waiting: despite being agonizingly stressful at times, it’s made me turn to God in prayer. I’ve been holding my breath, but now I can finally exhale. And for that, I’ve found peace.